Everything Is Awful, at least so says the title of Matt Bellassai’s collection of essays. But his list of LOL fun facts is far from it. Scroll through the tidbits below then pick up his first book, on shelves now!
1. My favorite movie is the Lord of The Rings trilogy, and yes, it is legally considered one movie if I can watch all of them in one sitting without taking a bathroom break. I saw all of them when I was 12 years old and have fantasized about sailing into the West with Orlando Bloom ever since.
2. My first concert was the joint Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson Independent Tour. My mom made me make a sign that declared our family dog Molly’s love for Clay Aiken’s dog Raleigh. That single fact basically defines my entire childhood.
3. I once threw up in the backseat of my mom’s car because I felt a booger coming out of my nose. She had to pull over on the highway.
4. I can only sleep with a full-length body pillow between my legs so I have something warm and tender to fill the void in my heart.
5. My first pet was a goldfish that lived for one horrible week. I cried when my dad threw his carcass in the garbage outside because I wanted desperately to flush him down the toilet. The disgrace of his memorial service haunts me to this day.
6. My first drink was a single shot of Skol vodka (yes, the kind in the plastic bottle that disintegrates if you let it sit out too long) in a large bottle of orange juice and I was hungover for 48 full hours.
7. My drink of choice in college was an entire jug of Carlo Rossi wine and/or a bottle of peach André, which barely counts as more than a fruit smoothie.
8. In high school, I refused to participate in the dissection of a frog in biology class and opted instead to write a five-page paper detailing the frog’s entire digestive and endocrine systems, a task I took on happily rather than barfing violently on a dead frog carcass in front of a room of my peers.
9. When I was around 10 years old, I entered a professional Pokémon card tournament and lost miserably to a grown man, but before conceding defeat, I broke down in violent sobs and accused him of trying to cheat an infant child. The judges had to issue an official verdict that determined he had not cheated and that I was a pissy liar. Dignity? I don’t know her.
10. My favorite soup is broccoli cheddar.
11. My first plane trip was to Washington D.C. when I was 17 years old. I won an essay contest sponsored by the Colonial Dames of America, a bunch of old ladies who lured teenagers like myself to our nation’s capital to trick us into learning about civics and s—t. I met my then-senator, Barack Obama, who is shorter than me.
12. I had a hamster named Muffin who died of a butt tumor.
13. I go to Starbucks at least twice a day and consider getting every barista to know my usual order (a venti unsweetened light-ice iced coffee) at every Starbucks franchise on Earth a personal goal.
14. I think sushi is disgusting and a personal affront to the cavemen who lost their lives in humanity’s evolutionary march toward learning how to cook. They discovered fire so I would never have to look at a raw fish ever again in my life. For that, we should all be grateful.
15. I’d rather s–t my pants than poop in an airplane bathroom.
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16. I had my tonsils taken out in middle school after the doctors told me they were suffocating me in my sleep. When they cut them out, they found that they had each grown their own sets of teeth and buttholes, forming complete gastrointestinal tracts. OK, not really. But they did tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10, my tonsils were 13s. So they might as well have been sentient.
17. The first drink I legally enjoyed was a Long Island Iced Tea, which became the go-to beverage for my entire year as a 21-year-old. Then I moved to New York and multiple bartenders laughed in my face whenever I tried to order one. And I learned better.
18. I went to baking classes when I was 6 years old and that’s when I learned to suppress my feelings under an apron.
19. I didn’t have a passport until I was 23 years old and didn’t actually use it until I was 26, when I traveled to London to film a promotional video for Bridget Jones’s Baby, which is probably the best and weirdest reason to go on my first international trip. Sadly, Harry Styles did not offer me a place in London to sleep. Not yet.
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20. I took approximately eight years of Spanish and can speak fluently to a Spanish-speaking child as long as she doesn’t ask me follow-up questions.
21. The place I’d most like to visit in the world is Italy, mostly so I can find a hot Italian boy to make me pasta but also to go to the pizza place from Eat, Pray, Love.
22. My greatest ambition in life is to be a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but RuPaul won’t answer any of my phone calls.
23. I once ate a Triple Whopper from Burger King and my heart hasn’t functioned properly since.
24. My favorite takeout meal is penne alla vodka, which is really just an appetizer for my favorite takeout dessert, which is chocolate mousse cake.
25. I have never pooped outdoors, and I never will. Not unless it’s the s—t I take when a bear tears my body apart in the forest. This butt is an indoor butt only.
Everything Is Awful is out now.
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